Today is a bit of an anniversary. It's been a full month since I went off of my antidepressant. Taking an antidepressant would have been three years in April.
I saw my doctor today and again we talked about how mental health is a continuing process of evaluation. We talked about how after only a month off medication, doesn't mean we can be certain I won't want to go back on something later. She said the test of course, well be that next time something doesn't go well.
All I can say, is right now I find I'm wondering if I've been fooled by medication a bit. For about the last six to nine months, I've been in a state of feeling like a bit of a messy idiot. I don't mean that as self-deprecating (I don't do that), I just think it clearly describes how I've felt.
It's been like an extreme state of jet-lag. I was exhausted to my bones and had trouble with concentration. I also found I was having trouble expressing myself.
But added to that, while talking with people I felt like I had too much coffee on board and was rambling on without thinking as fast as I was talking. That was when I had the energy to talk.
I was going to work, giving it my all, going home and sleeping. And my house was such a mess. Yikes! I told a friend about my messy house lately and she said, “Messy bed, messy head Brenda.” I think I had it the other way around though.
I wondered if my depression was getting worse and logically thought either I needed to increase my medication intake or my medication wasn't working anymore. Logical right?
Well, I tried an increase which isn't as easy as it sounds because it takes about a month to know if it helps. I found a bit more of an increase didn't make a difference. So I tired a second increase. And that's when the full body exhausted feeling became worse. So the idea became to switch. And somehow I just couldn't get fully on board with that idea.
What I find I'm wondering about now, is how can I know what my baseline is anymore? I decided I wanted to explore that. After all there is such thing as managing depression with therapy, diet and exercise.
I took a little time off work and just returned on Wednesday.... and I feel great!
My workplace has been very good to me. I was open about why I needed the time off and received full support. I've also been given the opportunity to return to an accommodated position for awhile where I feel like I'm using my best skill sets and my work is self-directed. I'm finding that very important for me right now. I'm grateful.
It's all thumbs up.... or I guess that would be two thumbs up!